Most of us were taught that offering an apology — any apology — will instantly restore good feelings, dissolve anger, mend the fabrics of a broken relationship and heal a broken heart. This is very true — a good apology does take care of most bad feelings and creates good ones — but while an apology is a very powerful thing, done wrong, it can backfire big time.

An apology to try and fix things is not the right way to get your ex back. When someone is hurt, angry, suspicious, distrustful, resistant and negatively sensitive to you, a premature apology usually just make things worse.

The first few first contacts with your ex should never start with “I want to apologize”. At some point, you’ll have to apologize for your part in the relationship going the direction it went, but this is not the right time — yet — even if you are dying to get things off your chest.

An emotional “apology” before you’ve laid grounds for meaningful interaction is simply a communication of your regret and if you’re not very careful, you can easily come across as trying to manipulate someone to get on his or her good side (and often it is). And in some instances it does work. Your ex may be too vulnerable to graciously accept your “scheming apology” but only to reject it later — sort of a delayed reaction thing.

I’ve seen this same exact thing happen to too many people. Months after the amends event, their ex turns on them and spews out bile (anger, rage, fury resentment etc) for things that they thought they’d apologized for and settled.

The best thing you can do is keep the “apology” to yourself, until you are once again talking and the two of you can “clear the air” without causing further misunderstandings, re-opening the wounds and jeopardizing everything.

And don’t demand an apology and don’t expect it-no matter how much time you’ve spent preparing to hear your ex apologize. If your ex brings up the break-up, simply say, “I made a huge mistake (or many mistakes) and if you’d let me, I will prove to you how sorry I am, not with just my words but with my actions. All I am asking at this point is to be able to see/talk/email from time to time Is this something that you would be open to?” or something along those lines. You probably know how to phrase it better since you know your ex more intimately.

Just remember to make sure you phrase it like a request rather than a statement. The question at the end is very important because it seeks cooperation rather than confrontation.

Then when the groundwork has been done. Communication has been revitalized, and bridges towards the restoring of the relationship have been built, you can deliver the powerful apology that holds much hope for the future.

In my e-Book explain in detail how to lay the ground work, revitalize broken communication and build bridges for restoring the relationship. I also explain in detail why an apology that says “Mistakes were made” or “It’s all my fault” is dangerous and can destroy everything.

by: Christine Akiteng