BY: Nikki Ransom

Women that are involved in relationships where there is domestic violence often isolate themselves. Though many abused women think this isolation will make it hard for others to recognize signs of abuse in their relationship, the act of isolation itself is one of the major signs of trouble. Other signs of abuse to look for include relationships where one partner is very controlling, putting the other partner down, or violently losing his/her temper. A victim of abuse may stop seeing friends and family, become quiet when their partner is around, or often have unexplained injuries. You may even notice that they will even mention her partner’s abusive outbursts but later dismiss the behavior as nothing- which is what I often would do when I was in this type of situation.

After you realize that your friend may be in an abusive relationship, the next step is knowing how to confront her/him. The most important thing to remember is that abuse is never the victim’s fault. Your friend may not even realize at this point in time that she is in an abusive relationship or may want the abusive behavior to stop but does not want to end things with her lover. Unfortunately, the statistics showing that an abuser will change are extremely low. Chances are the behavior is not going to stop, ever. To help, Ask if your friend is afraid of her partner or if there is any hitting or other abusive behavior going on in the relationship. Be sure to give positive reassurance because abuse can really damage your self-esteem. You must also listen without judging. Judging your friend can be hurtful and make her less likely to confide in you. When I was in an abusive situation, my family would not listen to me without judging which only led me straight back into my abuser’s arms. Encourage your friend to keep a log and evidence of the mate’s abusive behavior. Help your friend to develop a safety plan when s/he is ready to leave, and assist in finding resources that are available to help people in this kind of situation.

Despite how frustrating it may be, chances are that when your friend leaves her abuser, she will return. It takes numerous attempts and even years for a one to leave his/her abuser and gather the strength to stay away for good. Understand that it is difficult for your friend to leave a someone that she loves and the comfort of a relationship in exchange for the unknown. Also, abusers know exactly what to say to keep their victims right where they want them- which is broken, alone, and submissive.

When your friend does leave, s/he may need your help with money or living arrangements. Your friend may also need help getting to a battered woman’s shelter or getting a job so s/he can finally stand on her own two feet. However, the most important thing that you can do as her support system is to help build the level of self-esteem and be there unconditionally. Domestic Violence can leave a woman feeling very depressed, confused, and alone. Stick by your sistah and build her up so she will never allow herself to be treated in this manner ever again.

(Research domestic violence and contact your local domestic violence program for more information.)