BY: Kade Phillips

Sub-prime mortgage crisis, food prices soaring, gasoline costs through the roof - do you feel like you’re being financially squeezed at every turn? Here are some easy things you can do about some of your auto related expenses.

Slow things down a bit

On most major U.S. highways and freeways, the posted speed limited for automobiles & motorcycles is typically between 55-75 mph. If you’ve got a bit of a lead foot, you should know that increasing your speed does increase your automobiles gas consumption accordingly. Driving 20% faster than the posted limit increases your gas consumption by roughly 20% as well. Think about it, with today’s soaring gas prices, do you really want to be buying 20% more gas?

Use Cruise Control

The governments website “www.fueleconomy.gov” suggests that using cruise control on the highway helps you maintain a constant speed and, in most cases, will save gas. The also advise to use Overdrive Gears because, When you use overdrive gearing, your car’s engine speed goes down. This saves gas and reduces engine wear. You’ll be saving gas, the environment and ultimately your hard earned dollars.

Relax, live longer and enjoy the ride

Aggressive driving, like rapid acceleration, speeding, and hard braking increases gasoline consumption by up to 37% according to a recent study done by Natural Resources Canada. Incredibly, it’s also been reported that aggressive city driving only gets you where you want to go about 2½ minutes faster on a 60–minute trip. 37% more gas to buy??? It’s a lot to pay for so little time saved, dontcha think?

Is your vehicle actually another ’storage room’

While it may seem like a convenient place to keep certain things, minimizing the amount of “stuff” you keep in your automobile can save you a significant amount of gas money. It is estimated by the U.S. Department of Energy that for every additional 100 pounds that you truck around in your vehicle, you are increasing your gas consumption by about 1-2%. This can really add up over time.

Not going anywhere and still burning up loads of costly gas?

It seems silly to state the obvious, but…you get 0 miles per gallon if your car is idling. You could simply turn off the cars motor if you’re not moving for a while. Instead of idling while waiting at the fast food drive-up window, why not park the car and go inside? It’s often way faster to get served anyway, and you should know that idling in the line up for more than 10 seconds burns more gas than restarting the engine would. Use this tip wisely, and your gasoline savings will mount.

A well-maintained and smoothly running vehicle uses less fuel

Your auto was designed for optimal operation with certain minimum requirements in place. If these minimum requirements are not met, your cars fuel-efficiency suffers.

Consider the following:

• Keeping your tires properly inflated can improve your gas mileage by around 3.3 per cent.
• Your car’s air filter keeps impurities from damaging the inside of your engine and it helps the engine to operate more efficiently. Replacing a dirty air filter can improve your vehicle’s gas mileage by as much as 10 per cent.
• You can improve your vehicle’s gas mileage by 1-2 per cent by using the manufacturer’s recommended grade of motor oil. Using lower grades will not only hurt the engine, but will hurt your wallet as well, in the form of much costlier fill-ups at the pump.

Drive less - much less if you can

Now we know that this is not for everyone, but for many of us, this is not only a viable option, but it could lead to some wonderful side benefits if enabled correctly. Much better health and fitness levels could be ours if we chose instead to walk or cycle whenever possible, instead of driving absolutely everywhere. Other options are car pooling with others (could be great for your social life) - or downsizing your ride - how about one of those new scooters that gets like 80 miles per gallon?

All kidding aside, most of us could drive a lot less, walk a bit more, and we’d all be far better off for it.

Cheaper auto insurance? - yes, it’s very possible

With gas prices through the roof, saving money at the pumps is a real hot-topic these days, but you should know that there’s another vehicle (excuse the pun) worth looking at for significant savings where your auto costs are concerned. It’s easy to do, usually costs nothing but a bit of your time to do, and most people are still unaware of just how much money can be saved.

Did you know that car insurance rates can and do vary wildly from insurer to insurer - for basically the same coverage? Only by shopping around for your auto insurance coverage and getting quotes from several insurance companies will you know whether you are getting the best possible rate on your car insurance coverage. Don’t pay any more than you have to - shop around for your car insurance policy. If you have a few minutes, compare your current auto insurance rate with multiple competing offers right now. Click on: Cheap auto insurance to get started. It could be the best 5-minute investment decision you make all year.

Kade Phillips is a contributing writer at www.kanetix.com. Cheap auto insurance really is possible with the help of kanetix. For more visit http://www.kanetix.com/auto-insurance

BY: Ronnie Nijmeh

So often, we see individuals on television receiving a free makeover from a talk show host or a panel of celebrity “fashion police” on a reality show. The participants are absolutely elated with their new clothes, new hairstyle, and fresh new look. Their faces beam at the idea of becoming a new person - shedding off the old and taking on a new, different persona, like a snake shedding its skin. The transformation is sometimes drastic and commonly for the better.

Would it not be equally energizing and advantageous if we were able to give our personalities, attitudes, and thoughts a motivational makeover? We should not only want to look our best, but also feel our best and have the best of ourselves on display for the entire world to observe.

We can begin our internal renovation by making use of free motivational wallpapers in our workspace and personal desktops. Our senses and emotions are immediately heightened by these motivational wallpaper backgrounds. These jewels of photography and inspirational quotes can jar our outlook and attitudes. Our minds are excited into new thought processes, and our personalities have only to follow.

Motivational wallpaper backgrounds possess quotes created to incite a person to action. The presented imagery highlights hope, change for the better, success, and wisdom - all of the things necessary to makeover an individual’s psyche. Real, lasting change can only come about if it derives from within and makes it way outward. These free and awe inspiring wallpapers help to boost an individual’s self-perception, elevate progress, and add to endless possibilities. And as a result, positive energy emanates through their facial expressions, body language, verbal communication, actions, and outer appearance.

Free motivational wallpapers are tremendously engaging. The nature photographs generate a calming sensation and allow one to reflect on the words, which seem to speak directly to us. In addition, they permit us a moment to think about how the quotes apply to their personal and work life. The spirit is uplifted, and the mind and body are spurred into doing. No longer does the person want to sit in one place - in a state of complacency. The comfort of procrastination and stagnation are replaced by new momentum and direction.

Motivation is a powerful tool. If we can study and accept the benefits from its impact on our lives, we can undoubtedly attain a great deal from our personal relationships, our place of work, and ourselves. We live in a society that focuses greatly on aesthetics and pours millions of dollars into the cosmetic, medical, and fashion industries in order to look a certain way. We are frequently bombarded with “what’s in” and the latest fads and trends. With so much being hurled our way to make us prettier, leaner, or more glamorous, we should not lose sight of the most important enhancement - our attitudes and characters.

By enriching our personalities with motivation, our inner and outer selves will receive the makeover they deserve, and our overall physical and emotional qualities will greatly improve.

BY: Chaz Kyser

I love Monster.com’s motto, “Never Settle.” The career website’s mission is to help individuals find jobs they will be passionate about. Their motto reflects the belief that people have a right to expect the best out of their careers and life in general.

One would hope that the “never settle” motto would be ingrained in young African-Americans’ and other minorities’ psyches by society, as we are said to have more opportunities than ever before. Yet, the majority of us seem to be encouraged to settle for less than what we desire and deserve. We are told in myriad ways by the media, educators, employers, and our family and friends that we are “lucky” just to have graduated from high school or college, and that aspiring to have anything beyond a job that pays our bills is wishful thinking. Instead of being encouraged and aided to follow our dreams, well-meaning but harmful people instill a fear in us that our ethnicity will be a huge barrier to our achievement, certain careers are too hard to succeed in, and that the further we seek to go in our careers the more we are at risk of failing.

In fact, many minorities are taught to settle throughout their lives. Parents can be heard telling their children they “better finish high school,” instead of taking it for granted that they will and focusing on how they will succeed in college. When in college, minority students are often told to major in a field they aren’t excited about or one that will supposedly guarantee them a job, instead of studying something more suited to their interests and strengths.

Fueling complacency in this way results in people having mediocre careers and mediocre lives. Ultimately, they will feel as if they missed out on something and did not realize their full potential-in which case they’d be right. Throughout history we have seen that the people who had the most rewarding careers and are remembered as leaders in their field, are those that knew their worth and refused to be happy with what others said should make them content.

So why should we have to take jobs that don’t excite us, utilize our skills, and help us grow? Why should we feel overjoyed to receive a paycheck every two weeks regardless of who it’s from? Why should we put our dreams on the backburner?

We can’t afford to lower our expectations and let others dictate what we’re worthy of having. We do ourselves, our ancestors, and future generations a disservice by striving for anything less than excellence and the realization of our goals. Robert Williams, a writer, once said, “It is impossible for a people to rise above their aspirations. If we think we cannot, we most certainly cannot. Our greatest enemy is our own defeatist attitude.” This is the mentality we need to have and nurture in others. Never let anyone tell you that something cannot be done or you’re not the person to do it. Never let anyone tell you that there is a limit to how much you can accomplish and that you should be satisfied to have made it as far as you have. Go further, and never settle.

Chaz Kyser is the author of “Embracing the Real World: The Black Woman’s Guide to Life After College.” Visit her website at www.embracingtherealworld.com.

Do you dream about being debt free some day? This can be a reality if you follow some basic rules and do what it takes. To start down the road to financial freedom you need to do a few things first. Are you ready? Let’s go.


Tip #1. You need to admit there is a problem.


Is there not enough cash coming in or is it spent too quickly, or both? Is the money being spent on non-essentials? Is the income being spent unwisely on luxury items that you cannot really afford? Do you know how much you really have to spend? Do you know how much you owe and to whom?

You need to honestly answer these questions and be prepared to take some action.

Tip #2. You need a make a plan and stick to it.

First of all, you need to know your financial situation. Take out all your credit cards’ statements and add up the outstanding balances. Make a plan to reduce the debt to a certain level within a fixed period of time. Once this is done there are tools you can use from the Internet to track your spending and your debt reduction.

Imagine what you will be able to do with the money you currently use to pay off debt.

Tip #3. Never add to your debt. Cut up the credit cards and live within your means.

Work out ways to cut down on your expenses so that you can live within your means. Start to put some funds aside for emergencies. You can cut down your expenses easily if you just think creatively. Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

A) Anything you need (not just want) can usually be bought at a sale. Commit to not buying at retail prices again. Look in newspapers, wait for sales and be patient.

B) Cook at home a lot more often. Freeze leftovers. Plan you food needs for the week. Make your lunch for work instead of buying it each day.

C) Read magazines, get DVDs and Videos for free from your local library.

D) Take up a hobby. Get busy - shop less. Maybe your hobby can create some income?

E) Give up the coffee bought while shopping or at work.

F) Maybe if you tried you could get away with only 1 car. Travel by bus or train if possible.

Tip #4. Don’t compare yourself with others.

If you spend to keep up with others, think whether they may be in a similar position to you. Work out and understand how much you can spend and how much needs to be put aside for saving or emergencies.

Tip #5. Pay off one small debt completely.

This will give you a boost and help you keep on track more easily and you’ll be more motivated to pay off all the debts.

Tip #6. Keep some fun money.

This process needs to be fun, not a misery. If it becomes a chore you will be tempted not to meet your goals. Keep some money aside that allows you the freedom to spend on things you want, occasionally. You’ll feel so much better about spending on items that you can afford.

To truly solve your debt problems you need to keep yourself under control. There’s no one else who can do this for you. Ask for God’s help also. You’ll be so glad you did, once the debt burden has been lifted and you can become your own person.

BY: Chaz Kyser
Even the most fulfilling jobs can leave us asking the “Is this it?” question at the end of the work day. Work, eat and sleep—is this it? Get my paycheck twice a month—is this it? Have some good days and some bad ones—is this it? Is this what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my adult life? Is this what I went to college for—to save up for retirement?

While getting started in your career you may find that much of your time is spent just getting used to working for a living. Still, the “is this it?” feeling can begin to creep into your heart very early on.

While some people may tell you with downcast eyes and a smirk, “Yep, this is about it,” the truth is that whether this is going to be about it or not depends on you.

Ask yourself how you perceive your job and your career. Why are you waking up to an annoying alarm clock five days out of the week? If you’re doing it just to pay the bills, or because your mom, dad and the rest of the working world told you “everyone works,” then sooner or later you’ll be asking the question “is this it?” too.

But if you view your job as a powerful and enjoyable tool to living out your dreams, and if you understand that your career is just a part of what hopefully is and will continue to be an interesting and exciting life, then the baffling “is this it?” question may evolve into “what else is there?”

What else will enrich my life? What else will help give my life meaning? What else will help me fulfill my purpose? What else can I look forward to in the morning? The funny thing is that there’s an endless amount of “what elses” in the world—so if you dedicate your life to seeking out beneficial things to be a part of, you’ll never even think to ask the “is this it?” question.

You have to seek out adventures, no matter how big or small, that appeal to you and warrant your time and energy. Look at the broader picture of your life, beyond work and bills. Ask yourself what else you can be doing at this point in time to bring you more enjoyment.

If they have the time and some extra change, some people travel. Others enrich someone else’s life through volunteering. Do you have a hobby or rarely used talent—drawing, writing, choreography, singing, ice-skating? Cultivate that hobby or talent and use it to inspire others or make some extra money. Is there an issue you feel strongly about—abused and neglected children, the homeless, the waste of tax payer’s money, voter apathy, black American’s lack of economic empowerment? Talking about the situation won’t change it, but getting involved in the cause can change you and society. There are thousands of things you can be a part of besides your employer’s staff. Seek out those things and consider them just as important as your job, and even more so for your sense of well-being and purpose.

Chaz Kyser is the author of “Embracing the Real World: The Black Woman’s Guide to Life After College” ($14.99, Seshet Press). Purchase the book online at www.embracingtherealworld.com. Send comments about this article to column@embracingtherealworld.com.

Whether you end up having a cushy part-time job, an in by 9 a.m. out by 4:59 p.m. “gotta pay the bills” gig, or climb the corporate ladder in a grueling, yet satisfying salaried position, it’s likely that you’ll have a conflict with at least one co-worker at some point in time. Because of this, learning how to effectively handle conflicts with co-workers is very important.


When you find yourself in difficult situations with co-workers, it may help you to reflect upon these very basic truths:

Your Co-Workers Aren’t You: Sometimes we forget that we aren’t the only one with an opinion. Other people may not see things exactly the way we do. What you find unacceptable and rude at work may not faze the next person. What you believe is a wonderful idea may be ridiculous to any number of people at your company. You can’t expect your co-workers to think or act the way you do because they’re operating from their own point of view. What you can do is learn to adapt to your co-workers’ personalities, and try to understand where they are coming from in any given situation.

Your Co-Workers Have Issues Just Like You: Your co-workers have issues just like you, and you never know what they’re going through. They have money problems, relationship problems, self-esteem problems, health problems, and a multitude of other personal conundrums you’ll never know about. They aren’t going to be able to come to work everyday in their very best mood, just like you aren’t.

Your Co-Workers Want To Be Liked Just Like You: As hard as it may be to believe sometimes, few of your co-workers ever intentionally do or say things to cause conflicts in the workplace. Hardly any of them will ever “be out to get you,” and most don’t come to work to make your life or anyone else’s miserable. They want to be liked and respected just like you. They don’t want to be thought of as a backstabber, idiot, brown-noser or mean-spirited person. When a co-worker does or says something that upsets you, try giving them the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t mean to, instead of assuming they said or did something on purpose. Thinking in this frame of mind will take you off of the defensive and allow you to better discuss the issues you feel should be addressed.

Pet Peeve or Real Problem?

The key to handling conflicts with co-workers is to attempt to make amends with the person you’re having difficulties with as soon as you realize there’s a “real problem.” A real problem is one that keeps you from doing your job effectively or upsets your sense of well-being. Someone “rubbing you the wrong way” is not a real problem. You not liking the way someone talks, walks or dresses doesn’t qualify as a real problem. A co-worker that has stolen your idea, one who has lied about you, or a constantly rude and domineering person is someone you may have a real problem with.

When faced with what you feel is a conflict at work take time to calm yourself down and write down exactly what this person is doing or not doing that is driving you batty. This can help you determine if they’ve broken one of your quirky pet peeves or if they’ve really over stepped their boundaries.

Once you’ve decided that you do have a real problem with this person, get out that piece of paper that you wrote down their faults on and write down your own. Be honest with yourself. Have you done anything to provoke this person to act unfriendly towards you? Do you know they were talking behind your back because you were talking behind theirs and found out? Think long and think hard. The person may be reacting negatively to your negativity. But regardless of who started acting funny first, you should be the bigger person and end the drama.
Ending the Drama: Five Simple Steps

Step 1: Approach the person at the end of the work day or when you both have time to kill at work. Make sure no one is around to hear the conversation. If you are constantly around other people politely and discreetly ask if you could please discuss something with them in private when they have time.

Step 2: Get to the point immediately by tactfully telling them what you want to discuss. Example: “I didn’t want to interrupt you, but I feel that there is tension between us and I want us to be able to work in peace together.” Or, “It seems there has been a misunderstanding between us and I want to clear it up so we can work comfortably around each other.” However, when you begin the conversation keep in mind that your end goal is to have the issue resolved, not to put someone in his or her place. Never start the conversation with a rude question or statement. Example: “Do you have a problem with me?” Or by blaming the person for something. Example: “I know you’ve been talking behind my back.” The person may have been wanting to clear up the problem as much as you. Approaching them in a negative manner will make the situation worse.

Step 3: Whether the person acknowledges that there’s a problem (“Yes, I feel like there’s tension between us too,”) or plays dumb (“Girl, I call everyone a dumb liar”), be specific about the problem and give examples while stating your case. Don’t blame the person by telling them what they have done to you. Tell them that you are offended because it “seems like,” or “appears” or you “feel like” something has happened.

Step 4: Give the person time to respond to what you’ve said. It’s likely that your co-worker will acknowledge that there is a problem, but the reason for it may be far different from what you were thinking. As stated before, they may feel that they were just reacting to an offense you committed against them. On the flip side, they may deny that a problem even exists. If so, at least they will be more conscious of how they interact with you. Regardless of what they say, take care to watch your body language and tone of voice.

Step 5: If they acknowledge that an issue does need to be cleared up, be sincere when you tell them that you would like to work out the problem. Attempt to come up with a solution that you both feel is appropriate.

Chaz Kyser is the author of “Embracing the Real World: The Black Woman’s Guide to Life After College” ($14.99, Seshet Press). Purchase the book online at www.embracingtherealworld.com

By: Chaz Kyser

No one wants to have to do it. Working one job can be taxing enough. But if you find yourself having to borrow money from your parents every month, or going without real groceries for weeks at a time, you might want to look at taking on another job—part-time. I recommend taking on a part-time job (as opposed to just getting a better paying full-time one) when the chance for advancement and more money in the future is high at your present job, or you sincerely love your job but it just doesn’t pay too well. If you do decide to spend some extra hours in work mode, then search for a job that:

1. Doesn’t conflict with your other work schedule.
2. Is close to your place of residence and in a safe location (because you will most likely be working at night).
3. Pays a decent wage, not minimum wage.
4. Is interesting and can enhance your skill set in some way.
5. Won’t wear you down and have you missing work in the morning.

You can always find want ads for typical part-time jobs like telemarketers, cashiers, customer service reps and waitresses, but there are other alternatives. Call up a company in your field that interests you and ask them if they have any part-time, freelance or temporary positions that will fit your schedule.

If you can’t stand busting your butt on two different jobs don’t despair, you may still have other options. One alternative is using some skill or talent you have to make some extra money on the side. Can you design web sites, brochures, business cards, flyers or logos? Would you make a good tutor? Ever thought of teaching others how to play an instrument or learn a style of dance? Are your friends and family always asking you to do their hair or nails for free? It might be time to start charging them for your services. Working part-time for yourself will allow you to bring in some extra money on your own time, and could possibly be the beginning of your own business.

Chaz Kyser is the author of “Embracing the Real World: The Black Woman’s Guide to Life After College” ($14.99, Seshet Press). Purchase the book online at www.embracingtherealworld.com.

By: Nikki Ransom

This may be the most important part of this series because I will be speaking directly to the women out there that find themselves “trapped” in a domestic violence relationship. Do not minimize your abuse if it is just emotional or verbal and not physical, it is all abuse and still just as harmful.


The first step is to find that strength inside you and know that you do not deserve to be treated as anything less than the queen that you are. Since your abuser is obviously not willing to treat you with the respect you deserve, it is time for you to go. This may be the most agonizing decision you have ever made but realize that by staying in an abusive situation you are putting your life in danger. Next, you will want to check for local resources that will help assist you in getting away from your abuser. A great way is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They are available 24 hours a day and can connect you to your local service providers as well as assist in crisis intervention, safety planning, and much more. You can get more information on The National Domestic Violence Hotline by going to www.ndvh.org. (Definitely make sure that you are on a computer that you know is safe and not being monitored by your abuser.

The fundamental aspect to leaving this type of relationship is having a Safety Plan. Creating a Safety Plan is an intense process and encompasses so much information that it may be best to receive that information from the NDVH or your local domestic violence resource center directly. There is much to assess and information for you to gather in preparation to improve your situation. Included in your Safety Plan would be gathering important documents such as your driver’s license, social security cards, and birth certificates for you and your children and hiding them in a place you can get to when you take that giant leap to independence. You will also want to decide where you will go once you leave. A friend or family member’s home may be the easiest but if your abuser knows where they live, he may come looking for you. You can receive details on building your Safety Plan with a Domestic Violence Advocate. She or he will go over a plan best suited for your needs step by step in order to try and ensure a safe getaway for you.

After you have left your abuser, there is still much work to be done. There is an underlying reason that you stayed with a man that hurt you and the only way to find that reason and also heal from what has happened to you is to seek counseling. Your advocate will point you in the right direction of a counselor, whom you may speak to about your feelings. Many counselors may even offer these services at little or no cost. There are also dozens of support groups that meet weekly in your area that you should attend to hear the voices of other women that have gone through the same situation that you have. Domestic Violence can leave a woman feeling very isolated so it will help tremendously to hear that you are in fact not alone. Please take the warnings to heart in this series and begin the necessary steps to your freedom.

BY: Chaz Kyser

Sometimes it seems the most you can do is wish your resume well after you send it off. But there is something else you can do: make sure it ends up in the hands of the right person. The right hands are the ones that belong to the person who can say “you’re hired.”

Sending your materials to the right person is easy when the job advertisement directs you to send it to a specific person, but trickier when you are asked to send it to human resources. Most large organizations and companies now have human resources (HR) departments, which serve as the middle-man between potential employees and the employers. The people who work in HR are the ones who decide if your resume merits the consideration of the person hiring for the position. You take the gamble of your resume ever getting seriously looked at when you send it to these well-meaning, but career-blocking people.

To overcome this barrier you can find out who your resume really needs to go to and send it to them and the human resources department. Finding out who the real decision maker is may take a little time and snooping, but it’s worth it. The most direct approach is by just calling the company and asking who’s who. If that doesn’t suit you then browse their website.

Once you know who your materials should be directed to you’re one step closer to getting your valuables into their hands. Keep in mind that just because you sent your resume off doesn’t mean that it was received and reviewed. Some employers get hundreds of applications every week and you don’t want yours to be the one that gets lost on the way to their desk. The following are simple rules to follow when sending your application materials via mail, fax, email, or when delivering them in person.

By mail: When applying by mail, print your resume and cover letter on matching resume paper. If your line of work requires samples that can be sent (such as photographs, graphics, or news stories), send the samples that reflect your best work and put your full name and contact information on them. Send your materials in an envelope that matches your resume and cover letter or a paper-sized envelope so your materials will be neat when received. Call the employer two to three days after they should have received your materials to make sure they got them, to inquire if they have any questions for you, and to ask any questions you may have about the company (unless you are specifically directed not to contact the employer).

By Fax: When sending your resume and cover letter via fax, make doubly sure the cover sheet is directed to the right person. Wait a few minutes after you send it to call and verify that it was received, and that your materials are in the process of being given to the person who should review it. It won’t hurt to call later in the day to make sure it got into the right person’s hands, to inquire if they have any questions for you, and to ask any questions you may have about the company.

By Email: If you’re directed to email your resume to a specific person, call the person to verify that it was received a few hours after you sent it, to inquire if they have any questions for you, and to ask any questions you may have about the company.
If you are applying online or have no idea who will receive your resume, call the HR office and ask someone to check to make sure all your materials were received.

In Person: Applying in person gives you the chance to present yourself to a potential employer and to take a look at your potential workplace. Call the company and ask when the owner or manager will be in on the day you plan to visit. It is a good idea to dress business casual or in an actual suit. Ask for the person in charge once you get there, and if they are not there ask for the next person in charge. Your goal is to introduce yourself to someone who has some decision-making authority when it comes to getting you a job with the company. If you have to turn your materials in to someone in human resources, inquire about their hiring process and how long it usually takes for materials to be reviewed. Always be extra nice to everyone you meet while visiting the company.

Chaz Kyser is the author of “Embracing the Real World: The Black Woman’s Guide to Life After College” ($14.99). Purchase the book online at www.embracingtherealworld.com. Send comments about this article to column@embracingtherealworld.com.

Every Week Empress Will Showcase an Article From Chaz’s Column “Now What? Advice for the Real World.”

BY: Nikki Ransom

Women that are involved in relationships where there is domestic violence often isolate themselves. Though many abused women think this isolation will make it hard for others to recognize signs of abuse in their relationship, the act of isolation itself is one of the major signs of trouble. Other signs of abuse to look for include relationships where one partner is very controlling, putting the other partner down, or violently losing his/her temper. A victim of abuse may stop seeing friends and family, become quiet when their partner is around, or often have unexplained injuries. You may even notice that they will even mention her partner’s abusive outbursts but later dismiss the behavior as nothing- which is what I often would do when I was in this type of situation.

After you realize that your friend may be in an abusive relationship, the next step is knowing how to confront her/him. The most important thing to remember is that abuse is never the victim’s fault. Your friend may not even realize at this point in time that she is in an abusive relationship or may want the abusive behavior to stop but does not want to end things with her lover. Unfortunately, the statistics showing that an abuser will change are extremely low. Chances are the behavior is not going to stop, ever. To help, Ask if your friend is afraid of her partner or if there is any hitting or other abusive behavior going on in the relationship. Be sure to give positive reassurance because abuse can really damage your self-esteem. You must also listen without judging. Judging your friend can be hurtful and make her less likely to confide in you. When I was in an abusive situation, my family would not listen to me without judging which only led me straight back into my abuser’s arms. Encourage your friend to keep a log and evidence of the mate’s abusive behavior. Help your friend to develop a safety plan when s/he is ready to leave, and assist in finding resources that are available to help people in this kind of situation.

Despite how frustrating it may be, chances are that when your friend leaves her abuser, she will return. It takes numerous attempts and even years for a one to leave his/her abuser and gather the strength to stay away for good. Understand that it is difficult for your friend to leave a someone that she loves and the comfort of a relationship in exchange for the unknown. Also, abusers know exactly what to say to keep their victims right where they want them- which is broken, alone, and submissive.

When your friend does leave, s/he may need your help with money or living arrangements. Your friend may also need help getting to a battered woman’s shelter or getting a job so s/he can finally stand on her own two feet. However, the most important thing that you can do as her support system is to help build the level of self-esteem and be there unconditionally. Domestic Violence can leave a woman feeling very depressed, confused, and alone. Stick by your sistah and build her up so she will never allow herself to be treated in this manner ever again.

(Research domestic violence and contact your local domestic violence program for more information.)