BY: Lisa Angeletti

There was a publishing phenomenon that occurred when authors Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo wrote the relationship/dating book - He’s Just Not That Into You. Women were reading it like they had no idea. No clue.

Hey, I skimmed it in between feeding the kids and an episode of Desperate Housewives - but it all sounds like stuff we’ve heard before. I mean– really. Isn’t it all common sense?

Do we as women not really know when a man doesn’t call us after a date that the guy just wasn’t that interested. I think we do. It seems as if we really want to know why? Why isn’t he interested. Was it something I said or did? Was it something I was wearing? Is it what I do for a living? Is it because I slept with him too fast or not at all? What is it! We just want to know. If not to fix it with you, then to be prepared for the next man.

If we all weren’t so insecure about who we are and the position we play in this world - we wouldn’t second guess every move we make. I mean I’m all about trying to improve oneself. Recognizing mistakes. Correcting them. But basically, you are who you are. If the man you just had dinner with wasn’t interested enough to come back for more — then GirlShrink says (respectfully:) PEACE!

Sometimes I think that our parents may have overdid things. They were so focused on boosting our self confidence and self-esteem that we believe that there must be a complicated explanation as to why someone wouldn’t be interested in us. I mean you - not interested in me? Huh?

And then of course as I mentioned earlier there are those of us that swear that there are a million things wrong with us and we just want to know which one turned off this man that we were really interested in. We want to know what’s wrong with us.

But really…no matter what our background or baggage we bring to the table - it’s a concept that we probably need to start teaching our children. Everyone is not going to love you. Everyone is not going to like you. And that’s okay.

Do you hear me ladies? That is okay. 5 things to remember…

1. Don’t change a thing. You know that you are just fine the way you are.

2. Go out tonight. Get right back on that horse again and be open to meeting more men.

3. Don’t hide in the land of DENIAL. Be honest with yourself and move on.

4. Ask for what your worth. Don’t settle for someone clearly sending you signals of indifference.

5. Use your common sense. You don’t need a book to tell you what your instincts already have!

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and an online advice authority. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Visit her for Advice & Counseling, or take a free Depression Screening today.

BY: Monique Gilmore Scott

A couple of weeks ago, a girlfriend in Texas suggested I become a “sex” consultant for a company as a way to earn extra income. I laughed at the thought of me sharing “sexual insight” with women about their intimate lives as I am tired enough trying to keep my own romance-life zesty.

After thinking about it for a few days, I posed the idea to dear hubby and asked him what he thought about me becoming a “sex” consultant for a party company? He paused for a few seconds then shook his head, no. Actually, I was more relieved than I realized as I knew there was no way I could tote a romance kit around town doing in-home parties. Furthermore, where would I hide my “romance” inventory to keep my curious 8 and 5 year olds from stumbling upon my stash? Was this a real concern? Unlike my bag of family-fun games, where my children go into the hallway closet to grab board games any time they want to play, the sex bag of goodies would be too risky. Imagine for a moment my kids accidentally whipping out a feather teaser or more embarrassing a purple vibe.

That aside, deep down I had to be honest, confront me and ask myself, “What’s the big deal, really? Am I afraid to learn more than the standard, traditional romantic ways? It hit me that at my tender age, I was indeed fairly naïve and reserved on account of my religious upbringing, cause anything more than a few sexual positions, candles and music seemed to be deemed worldly and vile. Well, by golly, I decided it was time to become unshackled and liberate my mind - emancipate my hang ups all in the name of my marriage bed.

Armed with the power of the Internet, I began a quest to find a website where I could explore and become more knowledgeable about romancing my mate with the varied items that accompany said endeavor. My pursuit was not uninhibited as I kept bumping into websites with naked people with explicit positions highlighted on the front page. Eventually, I was directed to www.itslifeitslove.com , a classy, chic-looking, catch-you-off-guard website that offered enough product s for me to explore and investigate without the XXX rated aura.

At the subtle website, I learned that there are more items to help initiate a romantic evening with my husband then the traditional, yet humdrum mellow music and fragrant candles. The appropriate tilted website lured me with it’s elegance, allowing me to explore by placing an order for the Chocolate Paint Box kit, with brush included (uh oh), some body soufflés, (you read right), a game called 101 nights (I’m sure the hubby will dig that number) along with other romance enriching items.

I grinned the entire way through the online shopping aisle, filling my cart past my self-imposed limits, while in the comfort and privacy of my home and with my car parked in the garage with a full tank of gas. (At $4.11/gallon).

This entire experience is going to be such a surprise for dear hubby and fun for us. After pressing that order button I felt empowered-moving past my conservative ways and inhibitions. Exhale. My order is due to arrive any time, any day now and I will keep you posted. Wait, I think I hear the delivery truck pulling up. Stay tuned…

Yours Truly,

Unshackled.

Monique Gilmore is an award-winning romance author of over 300,000 in print romance novels (BET Books). She is a willing wife and a work-from-home mom of two busy beauties, AKA, children. When not writing, she is an on-air radio personality and spends time promoting her new web community: http://divastalksports.ning.com.

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Many of us have always assumed that we would meet our soulmates, get married, and have children all while we conquered the world in our respective careers. Oh how we were fooled! The fact is - is that was never the story of our grandmothers, sort of the story of our mothers, and definitely the story of many of us, just not most of us.

If you are single — you probably know that you are not alone, but you may not care about that. With all the media attention towards the fact that our biological clocks are ticking - we are running scared. How are we going to ever have the children we want if we don’t meet the man? I mean they are necessary:)

So this is my advice. There is no shame or desperation in knowing what you want out of life. Admitting that you want a relationship is fine. So what do you normally do when there is something you want? You go out there and get it right? Well, that’s what you have to do in order to meet the next Mr. Right.

First, don’t let your fear of being alone forever overwhelm you. No matter what your age - it’s never too late for love. Never. So the first bit of business is to change your attitude about what the future holds.

Think of all the places you have been to in the past month. If they mainly consist of going to work and possibly the supermarket, and then home - then we’ve got a problem! You must expand your pool of opportunity. Mr. Right is not going to knock on your front door and invite himself in.

Put the word out. Meeting a man through someone you know is always great because you have a point of reference. You have at least one person to check out his background and give you a full report on the last girlfriend:)

Stay positive. When you go out, you can’t go out expecting the worse - it will show all over your face and through your body language. Remember that most communication is non-verbal. Arms crossed? Head down? You are unapproachable.

Get a hobby. Find something else to do while you are waiting for Prince Charming. It will help you grow and get your mind off of things. Plus, you are much more appealing to someone if you have outside interests.

Ditch your buddies. You don’t have to take this absolutely literally, but it has been proven that a woman who goes out alone or with one friend has a much easier time meeting someone then a woman who has a posse!

There are worse things than being single. Keep things in perspective. Life is great. Don’t let your life slip you by because you were overly concerned with things that really don’t matter that much in the grand scheme of things.

If you are just doing all of this to have a baby and don’t really care about a relationship - then adopt! There are oodles of babies and children out here that need parents who want them.

BY: Paul Steven


Dating can be great fun – you meet new people, have a laugh, enjoy a few dinner dates and try to forget about the dates from hell in the hope of finding your perfect match. But what happens when you get set up by a friend? Whenever you accept a blind date that’s set up by a friend, you face real problems if it doesn’t go well.

Dating, blind date style, can be pretty relaxed because you have the people you know in common and do have a little prior knowledge of what each other is like. The only, and major, problem with that is the fact that your friends will undoubtedly get it wrong. If they do get it wrong then it could possibly lead to strained relations between you and your friends.

The best possible thing to bear in mind when navigating the dating scene via a friend is that you should be wary about accepting dates that way. Insist on meeting them at a party or in a group so you can make up your own mind. This is much better than offending the friend if the date is awful. You reclaim the power over your dating life and keep everyone happy!

If your friend or friends persistently try matching you up and it is increasingly making you feel uncomfortable then explain that as much as you appreciate their attempts of helping you find love you would prefer them backing off for a bit. This is important because you don’t want to feel pressured and it return their good attempts at hooking you up may backfire.

Dating through friends is like everything else in life, you have good and bad moments. If the bad moments are by far outweighing the good then it might be time to call an end to having your friends set-up your dating needs before you run out of friends.

BY: Lisa Angeletti

There is a frightening trend going on in many of the marriages and serious relationships of today — no sex. I know you’ve heard all the cliches. Especially the one about couples not having sex after they get married. But really…what they should say is that the sex can truly diminish after having children and being consumed with the stressors of raising them, feeding them, and schooling them!

I mean who really has the energy or the gumption to look sexy, feel sexy, and better yet have sex! Children are a lot of work. Hey, life is a lot of work. Is this why our mothers were so irritable when we were little?

Well, if you want to live in reality - eventually you have to address this lack-of-sex subject in your marriage. Married folks have sex, and should enjoy it, and hopefully desire it on at least a semi-regular basis. We need it.

So why are so many of us not handling this subject like we would our finances, our careers, our children? Why are we avoiding it? Well, because even in today’s modern society, sex is still a very uncomfortable subject for us to discuss with our children, our friends, and our spouses.

It’s strange isn’t it? We love a good romance novel, or romantic comedy movie. So why aren’t we talking? Well, in many cases we feel that we are the source of the problem, but we are confused or frightened to admit it and deal with it.

If this sounds like you and your marriage there may be a few concrete ways you can address what has to be a very difficult and painful topic for you and your spouse. Let’s get back to intimacy.

First - if you have a diminished desire for sex, go see your physician and check yourself out. Hormone levels fluctuate. Having children can throw you out of wack. Make sure it isn’t a physical problem.

Also, there are some women who have always experienced uncomfortable or even painful sex during intercourse but never addressed it. Perhaps you think that certain positions are just not meant for you, but it may be that you have a physical problem that has a solution. Simply stated - if you can’t get aroused or are uncomfortable, even after a round of foreplay, there may be something physical going on. Check it out with your gynecologist.

Second - If you check out okay, and there is nothing physically wrong with your partner, then you can assume that the problem is probably something mental/emotional in nature.

Are you tired? Mentally tired? Tired of him? Is he still attractive to you or is he just a warm body? Do you feel unattractive? Do you think he feels you are unattractive? Have either of you cheated in the past - and know about it? Is sex boring–A ritualistic rut?

It’s a huge myth that sex is not an important part of a relationship. Physical intimacy with your partner is very important for the health of your relationship.

If you are dating, you SHOULD be sexually attracted to the person. If you are not, you may face serious problems in the future.:)

If you are married, sex may not feel like it did the first time with him, but it should be satisfying and desired by both of you. Low feelings of desire?

1. Pinpoint your sources of stress. Write them down. Number them. Get a list. What is causing you the most stress? Finances? Intimacy? Children? Illness? Family?

2. Now sort them in their order of importance. The last item on the list you should be able to eliminate this week. For example, if your kids are stressing you out. Hire a babysitter; go out on a date with your mate, and at the end of the evening try to initiate intimacy.

3. Continue to work on whittling down your list while you keep up with your date nights etc.

4. Find things to reduce your overall stress levels. Activities such as reading a book, yoga, walking/running, taking up an old hobby, dancing to your favorite music on your ipod, etc.

Reducing your overall stress is a great way to promote relaxation during times of intimacy. Sometimes we put great amounts of performance pressure on ourselves and inadvertently sabotage our performance. Plus happy people have more sex! Well, I’m not sure about that statistically but it makes sense right?

Lisa Angelettie, “GirlShrink” is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, author, and online advice authority. Visit her at www.GirlShrink.com and learn about her exciting Relationship 911! Program - http://www.girlshrink.com/911intro.html.

BY: C.D.Mohatta

Nothing good may last forever. If we think that a good friendship will last forever, we may be wrong. Every friendship may end. Very few friendships survive. And they are lucky friendships.

We develop many friends in our childhood, and go on our separate ways in high school. Most of the childhood friendships end at that stage, and new friendships are formed. Same pattern is repeated after college. We go in different directions to pursue different careers. The contact with friends is lost and slowly these friendships also end.

Friendship is like a river. It flows towards its destination and on the way it meets many interesting people. Relations between friends change, if one of them gets married. The entry of a new person may bring irreversible changes in friendship. Disagreement over issues may bring very old friendships to a sudden end. A friendship is formed because friends have common interests and opinions. Once they begin having different opinions, there are more of disagreements than agreements during a talk. This brings the friendship down by souring the relationship.

Friends also have expectations from friends. Relationships are not always totally selfless. If a friend fails to meet needs of another friend when required, it hurts the friendship badly. Imagine two friends, both beginning their career with same income. Say that after 2-3 years, one of them becomes much richer than the other. Will the friendship retain its old charm? Difficult.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It is for us to think optimistically or be a pessimist. Why should we think about how friendships may go bad tomorrow? Why not enjoy the relations today and let tomorrow worry about itself?


Friendships do die for different reasons. But it is not a universal law. Many friendships survive over a long period and give immense joy to the friends. Why not take your friendships as one of those types and nurture them?

BY: Michael S. Francis

It all begins with the introduction. In order to get the attention of a person you don’t know but you are really interested with him or her, then it is time for you to make friends. You need to start by getting your act together and gain that confidence. Then introduce yourself and engage in conversations that will make him or her notice you and in turn attract that person towards to getting to know you better.

So don’t be too conscious about how they’re going to like you. Instead, shift your thinking to how you’re going to like them. Claim that they will like you. As you approach them, you will notice that they will try to ready themselves for you so you need to walk with confidence.

Don’t feel awkward as you approach them. Remember that you are not the only person that needs to be confident, they too are into the consciousness that they should be at their best too when you are around. So be at your best as well. Do not give them the benefit that you are unequal with them and you are the inferior one since you are making the first move or else, you will really feel awkward. Bear in mind that everyone wants to get noticed. So you both start at the same grounds, technically speaking.

Approach them with a smile. Be genuine about it. Make an eye contact as you do so. Then say your name, and then extend your hand for a handshake. You can expect that they too will say their names. Remember as you do this, do not be slouchy or make unnecessary movements. Then ask open-ended questions so you can start a conversation. Do not sound like you are engaging them in an interrogation. Always have conversations that will spark their interest and they are much willing to share their thoughts about it. Then be a good listener. Do not try to monopolize the whole conversation.

Also, be generous of praise and show your excitement with what they say then you can either agree or disagree with them. You should be careful when you this though. You need to be polite and at the same time be eager to speak your mind out. As you converse, make sure that it is always about them so switch the topic to them and what they know. Do not try to impress them by showing off. That will not work.

Remember their names and facts about them. Do not focus entirely with the person you are interested with. Friends of the person you like are also a part of the package so you need to make them feel good about you too. Then if you are ready to invite them or that person, then go ahead. You will know how to time it definitely. Don’t take it personally if they can’t make time for it. Just be thankful for that wonderful time you had with them. However, if they do respond you favorably, then you know that this is the beginning of your quest in order to attract the person you like, along with the fact that you have gained more friends and this should have boosted your confidence.

BY: Lisa Angeletti

If you are in a committed relationship that is violated by an act of infidelity - cheating, the pain can be absolutely unbearable.

When a man (or woman) cheats there could be a variety of factors in play concerning why. The primary reason is usually an insecurity with themselves, and so they continuously need to be validated. Men find validation easiest through physical contact. Emotional and mental validation is a little trickier for them.:)

But besides analyzing your partner, there is another issue to consider. There is another person involved in your relationship now. And you are really trying to decide whether or not you should confront his lover - the other woman.

The reason why you are considering to confront his lover is because you have been hurt by both of them and you want to ask her a ton of questions. Maybe you want to know how they met. How often did they get together. Whether or not she knew about you.

Perhaps you are considering confronting his lover because you want to know what she looks like. Is she pretty? What her demeanor is. What her personality is like. Does she have any taste or any class.

The reasons why you are perhaps second-guessing confronting his lover is because you are an adult and you know that some of wanting to see her is based on pure jealousy and an almost kid-like curiosity.

Deep down you know that none of the things you find out will change the fact of what he did. And there’s always a chance that she will lie to you about their relationship and make it much more grandiose then it was or perhaps even down play it to protect him.

You might be second-guessing yourself because confronting his lover is almost like meeting the kid on the playground for a fight at recess. It’s just silly. And it could go really badly. Perhaps yelling, crying, or worse - physical violence.

So what is the conclusion? In my opinion, needing answers about an affair and the other party in that affair should be answered by the offender. You should ask your partner/husband things about his lover and he should answer them. Any reluctance on his part to answer your questions is a problem. Giving you an explanation is a large part of him learning to give respect to you and your commitment.

Will it ever be enough? Probably not. You will always have unanswered questions and you will never know everything that happened between your partner/husband and his lover. It’s impossible. And a confrontation with his lover will not remedy that. It may give you some immediate sense of gratification — but that too can fester later into more questions.

Why didn’t I ask her this or that? What did she mean by this or that? I forgot to tell her this or that. I shouldn’t of let it get physical or I should of slapped her for what she said. I wonder if she is still talking to him. Does she love him? Does she still want him? And the questions can go on and on…it’s your decision, but confronting his lover is not the solution for your own sense of peace and resolution.

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, writer, and speaker. She has been helping clients with all types of life issues since 1998. She is the Founder and Director of www.GirlShrink.com, a site that offers expert online advice, counseling and coaching for women on a variety of issues such as relationships, mental health and more.

As most of us know, our relationships are a big part of our life, and our own personal growth. Our growth starts basically from our relationships. Remember when we were young looking up to our parents, or to our older brothers or sisters, sometimes envying them for being older, or just trying to understand them. But the best of all was trying to build up our relationship with them.

From that point on our own personal growth began. This initial growth, helped to direct us towards different directions in life, according to the way we did handle those early growth experiences.

We know that ego and pride plays a major part in our relationships. This time, we will look at another area that can really hit us hard when we are in a relationship, and that is fear and selflessness.

What is fear? Fear can be defined in many different ways, but we will look at fear in a relationship as our concern today.

Fear, is defined by two different aspects of our relationships. As I see it today, it is the fear of commitment and the fear of the other person in a relationship. Fear of commitment in a relationship can happen to the best of us when we have had one, or several, tough relationships or tough times growing up in this lifetime. That can help to keep that fear alive.

Why do we keep carrying around that fear? Very simple - many times we don’t know any better, and other times we are just afraid to be vulnerable, or to allow ourselves to open up. That fear can only bring unhappiness in the end.

Fear of the other person in the relationship is just as tough as that first fear but we need, and it is very important, to be honest with ourselves and to ask the question “Why are we afraid of our partner?” Why have we allowed ourselves to be stuck in that relationship for so long? What is it that created this fear in us? Why have we allowed it to go that far in the first place? Asking that, and many other good questions that need to be addressed until we click in with the answer. Do not disqualify any answer because that is what most of us do in the first place. Our intuition seems to be the last thing we trust. Just learn to trust that inner voice of yours. Fear can only be resolved by building up our own self-confidence. Your partner, in this case, probably knows that you fear him or her and may take advantage of this!

From my angle, I see again that fear lies in the way that we grew up and what we really need to look at is our own level of self-confidence. Sometimes we have been abused as a child and our self-esteem is tarnished. What we need to tackle now is on how we have chosen to build up our self-confidence and self-esteem. This is a very important start.

To be able to accomplish this you need to go back to whatever age you were when that problem started to occur. Look at it as if you were seeing yourself, and your life, as a movie in front of you. Write down everything you see, and start to listen to the way you talk today. Is there a common pattern? You should see something reoccurring over time and even in how you experience your relationships today. You will probably see that those patterns are still there, as if it were the first time it happened some ten, fifteen or twenty years ago. It is great if you can identify these patterns in your life that keep repeating, in a progressive way, time after time, or from one relationship to another. Then you will know from where you will need to begin, and fix what you have identified as needing fixing. Many times we say “but I can’t see it yet”. After time has passed, read all of the writing that you did earlier as a child growing up. Reading it later may help you to see the patterns, I guarantee that! BUT, there is one thing that you might or might not see throughout the years, and that is the negative attitude you may have about yourself, and your life, and that has to change too. If you master your attitude, then you are almost guaranteed that over eighty percent of your problem is solved. Think about it for a moment please…

I learned from my own example that there is no cure until it is handled at the root of the problem. Not just by the symptoms of today’s problems, or else nothing (or a very little amount) will change. New problems will surface later on because the understanding of the early stage of the problem hasn’t been identified and this may prevent us from being provided with the answer to a happier existence. It really does not matter why things happened in the first place, as long as we learn to accept our unfortunate situation. Forgive, bless it, and let it go. It won’t take a lifetime for things to change in your life from that point on. That’s from my own personal experiences.

Sometimes, this process is very hard and painful to go through. Your old life experiences, and your energy level, might go to the bottom, but not as long as you know why you are doing it in the first place. It’s not a long process but two important factors are required YOU being involved in the first place. It is your life after all, and your own personal responsibility. Without those two ingredients we will keep running in a circle.

As you see when you properly handle the first stage of the problem, all of the symptoms or hurdles will fall and disappear instantly without even realizing it, because it is no longer important to your mind, heart and soul. It has been solved!

After all, the worse thing any Soul has to endure is living in fear, all of their life, especially while next to their partner, and the people who they love.

Enjoy your relationships with the people you love, and cherish it for all that it’s worth, because life is worth living and it should be in harmony.

Keith left her, just left altogether with no satisfactory explanation. Just announced, after six months of a hot-house infatuation that had swept her off her feet, “Sorry, Dana, this isn’t working” — said it not even kindly, at that — and said he wanted out. He wasn’t interested in hearing why Dana thought that in fact it was working; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little working out now and again. No, he didn’t want to hear it. For him, it was the end. Discussion over.

And he never came back.

It always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover not only leaves, but leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if whatever you had together was a meaningless diversion and you, well, you were just something to be left on the side of the curb like roadkill. In all my years of writing about love, this form of goodbye is the one that draws the most letters from readers.

Or maybe you weren’t dumped by a Hit & Run lover but are limping along with someone I call The Visitor — a man who comes and goes at whim and cannot commit to anything other than a measly, “Hey, so, maybe we’ll get together a week from Tuesday, if I don’t have to work and if my mother isn’t coming into town? Or maybe another night that week, maybe? Or something? Whatever.” He’s someone who ascends on you for food, drink, sex — and may or may not stop by again sometime soon, as if you were the owner of a Bed & Breakfast, and you run a good enough establishment for him to return sometime to be served and nurtured again, but only at his leisure.

How do you ever find closure when you’ve been decimated by a Hit & Run? How do you find love with a Visitor who can’t even commit to a definite date? How do you, a 21st century woman, busy and happy and self-sufficient and more successful than women ever were before, extract love and commitment from a 20th century man? For yes, these men — I call them Drama Kings because they’re solo performers, one-man shows who still long for an ancient, man-centric universe — still think the world revolves around them. They still think women are put on earth to please them — but haven’t the talent nor the inclination to return the favor.

How do you cut your losses? I’ll tell you how. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You remind yourself that you’re lucky to get out. That these guys are exhausting and will always drain you dry. You are too busy, and much too evolved, for this nonsense.

You do not call the Hit & Run lover on his cell phone to locate him, nor to find out why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (You’ll only be humiliated over again. You’ll only hear the most chilling replies — “Oh, it’s you. Um, yeah I know I left you on the side of the road, but I’m busy.” Or, “No, I really don’t want to talk about it.”) You do not try to make a Visitor become a grown-up man who can commit to something more than a “Whatever.” You remember one thing, and one thing only: You do not NEED this man. You have a roof over your head. You are a smart, darling, self-sufficient, loving woman who wants a smart, darling loving man. He is out there, but this one is not the one.

When you’re hurt by a Drama King — of which The Hit & Run and the Visitor are but two of five types — you’ve been hurt by a man who doesn’t care how he behaves. Who doesn’t care to become deeply attached. Like a skilled performer, he only pretended he wanted a relationship, pretended he was fit for love, but in the end, sabotaged them both.

So before we focus on your heartbreak, I want to remind you: Why do you always feel exhausted with Drama Kings? Because they sap your energy. Why do you always feel lonely in your relationship with them? Because they refuse to get close. Why do you always feel anxious and sort of weirdly needy? Because my friend, they aren’t giving you what you need. And never will.

So do not idealize him, and do not blame yourself. You escaped! You avoided spending more time with a love fraud! I once spoke with a woman who’d been dumped as unceremoniously as Miranda was, and listened to her litany of self-blame — she’d “wasted years of my life” with this man; she’d “made a mess” of the relationship, she “should have known it wouldn’t work out.” Awash in misery, I couldn’t get her to rejoice in the fact that she had a chance, now, to find a man able and willing to love her back.

Today, though, I find women recovering quickly and not beating themselves up. Best of all — I find them saying they feel better than they did before they wrestled with their Drama Kings! The hundreds of women I’ve spoken with over the years do NOT stay permanently depleted by these guys: In fact, post-Drama King, strong women only get stronger. They seem to have developed steadily, cumulatively, through their relationships with Drama Kings — no matter how long it lasted or how dramatically it ended. It’s as if the adult woman’s self grows more resilient, more durable — stronger — through even the knottiest, nuttiest relationships — just as a child’s self grows. Kids get through developmental difficulties by working through issues of attachment — and so, I believe, do adults. It’s as though the developing personality is like kindling, needing to rub against another personality in order to create the spark that ignites the ever-growing self. That’s why you will move on from your Drama King ready for love sooner than you think — growing ever more proficient at finding a man who’s able to share center stage; and able to love you back.

Avoiding a Drama King in the future requires holding on to the sense memory of what it feels like to be with one. You have to know your responses, and pay attention to them. That’s why I always ask women, Do you feel exhausted when you’re around him? Lonely? Do you feel as if you’re banging your head against the wall whenever you try to have a discussion? You must remember these questions, and any “yes” answers, because they’re specifically associated with Drama Kings.

One more thing: When you begin to feel sad all over again, and tempted to play the self-blame game, keep this in mind. An involvement so important that you wanted it to last forever is not a “waste of time” because it did not. Few relationships last forever, and the criteria for success have to reflect the realities of the 21st century. That year-long relationship with the guy you loved in college; that fabulous sex you had with the adorable cameraman from L.A. at your first job; those three days we won’t talk about with someone you shouldn’t have been with — they matter, all of them. They not only familiarized you with different kinds of love, but different aspects of yourself in love. Most important, they told you an infinite amount about what you were working through at the time; what was irresistible to you and what was problematic; what developmental issues you were grappling with and what qualities you were searching for and trying to develop in yourself. As I said before, these relationships are what made you who you are today; they made you strong. They gave you self-knowledge. And they prepared you for a deeper, more intimate, love.

We must never, ever, devalue our effort at making love work — to say things like, “All that work for nothing,” or “I gave him the best years of my life,” as if time alone were the measure of love. We must respect the effort and the time we put in. The measure of love is your capacity to offer it openly, and to have the intimacy skills necessary to have the connection that you crave — and a man’s ability to do the same.

Most men have the same capacity.

I think that our attraction to Drama Kings, those men who haven’t caught up with us yet, men who have rigid, outdated views of love and life, may be hardwired, a built-in responsiveness to different types of familiar, traditional, masculine stereotypes. We can only move past our training by grappling with one or two. And we all do. And we all wind up exhausted and lonely and wishing we could find someone else, someone who is able to love. And then, stronger, more clearly focused, we move on.

There are fabulous 21st century men out there who know that love isn’t solely a woman’s job. They have learned intimacy skills. They know that 21st century women are very happy to please them, but that the pleasure must be returned — that women want to be pleased, too. They know, too, that the days of standing by your man no matter what are over.