Marry Me: Where the Hell is My Husband?
- Alecia Dee

I remember being a pimple faced, pre-pubescent, young girl, sitting in my overly decorated pink room thinking about what it would be like when I finally grew up, turned 21, and got married.  I knew who my bridesmaids were going to be, the color of their dresses, how many people I would invite to the extravagant soiree, and where I was going to go for my honeymoon. It seemed that marriage was the obvious step for me once I reached the appropriate age.  It was all so simple back then--you go about your life minding your business until one day Prince Charming shows his face and sweeps you off your feet. You date him for a year, your family loves him, he proposes, you say yes, you have the best wedding you could ever imagine, have a couple of kids, and live happily ever after.  Now, several years past my delusional deadline of age 21, I realize I may have been a bit premature in my assumptions on marriage.  If I only knew then what I know now, right?

We all know that black women are married at a lesser rate than white women.  Remember the line from Common's song, "It's too many black women that can say they mothers but can't say they wives".  So sad, so sad...isn't it?  The statistics are clear- Bill and Becky are much more likely to meet at the altar than Shaquille and Sharonda. What is it that's stopping us from jumping the broom?  Is it our men?  Our own thoughts holding us back?  Why are black marriages less likely to happen?

Honestly, it may be a mixture of both of the above as well as so much more.  As I get older and more successful my priorities, preferences, and partners are beginning to change.  I am no longer content with dating Ray-Ray, the cute guy I met at the club who's life's goal is to be the next big rapper.  Sure, he may be a nice guy, but do I really want to be a step-mother to his three kids?  Or when I do finally meet the right guy who has all the credentials and passes all the tests- I am so jaded from my past unsuccessful relationships that I am no longer emotionally equipped to handle what he is offering.  Maybe I'm just not ready for such a huge commitment.  What if my husband cheats on me?  Should I get my Masters degree first?  I'm sure you can think of about one hundred reasons why you shouldn't take the leap into matrimony.  The list just seems to go on and on.  Whatever your opinion on the subject, they probably fall into one of the below categories.

I'm a Survivor: The Plight of the Independant Woman.
Now more then ever before women are deciding to handle their own business before they even think about entering into the world of marriage. The rates of divorce have dramatically increased since the days of our grandmothers and grandfathers.  It's been reported that 1 in every 2 marriages will now end in divorce.  It's no surprise that our women want to make sure they are financially stable in order to be prepared for this seemingly inevitable ending.  This means we have to finish our education, secure a job, build a career, and acquire our own assets-- such as a house, a car, and a dog.  We've seen time and time again how women are stripped down to the bare minimum after the breakup of a marriage.  Sisters are more determined to make sure the same does not happen to them.  Because of our struggle to become financially secure we wrap ourselves up into our own lives and work and it is not until we begin to inch ever so closely to the big 3-0 that we realize we have not fostered any meaningful romantic relationships.

Romeo, Where Art Thou: Where are All the Available Men?
What's more, when we do decide that we are ready to enter the world of dating full time in the hopes of finding love and marriage, we are disheartened when we realize how slim the pickings really are.  We realize that a great percentage of the eligible bachelors are already married and  a vast majority of our black men that are left are incarcerated, homosexual, or simply not emotionally, financially, or spiritually ready to be a husband.  What are we to do when we have sacrificed so much of our time and energy to promote ourselves in order to be the best we can be and we do not find a mate that is comparable in our efforts? Do we settle for any man that comes along? Do we become resigned to the fact that we will be perpetually single?

Welcome to the New Millennium: The New Definition of Commitment.
And then there are those of us who simply don't want to even waste time with the title and drama of marriage.  In today's society, it is much more socially acceptable for a woman to have a child out of wedlock or to move in with her partner even though they are not married.  In times past, if a woman wanted to live the married lifestyle- i.e. children, shared residence and responsibilities, she had to have the ring to go along with it.  It was simply not acceptable to "shack up".  We all know that this is not the case in today's world.  Many of our men are finding that they can still enjoy the benefits of married life without having to buy that 5 carat Tiffany & Co. engagement ring. Why buy the cow, if the milk is free, right?

Whatever the reasons for the decline in black marriages the fact remains that it is no longer looked at as the obvious next step in the lives of our women.  Look at Oprah or Condoleezza Rice.  Both are single and doing very well for themselves.  There's also Justine Simmons and Jada Pinkett-Smith who make married life and motherhood look so effortless.  While I recognize that the odds are stacked against me as a black woman doing her thing in today's society, I am still going to push forth the effort to find a wonderful man I can someday call my husband. Call me sentimental, but I still get misty eyed as I reminisce over my childhood wedding plans.  I still have hope that I will one day get to see these plans come into fruition.

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